The Prayer
In a recent bout of decluttering (something that really cannot happen too frequently around here), I discovered two sheets of paper with my trademark sloppy handwriting. One was a letter written to Andrew in the first month of Garrett’s birth. The other, a prayer I wrote late one night this past February. It may seem fairly private for me too share both of these online- and it is… but it is something I am happy to do. Especially if the raw emotion of my passionate scribbles can offer any help to others in similar circumstances.
the prayer.
February 2021
“Name your desire. what is it you want? To love. To feel loved. To cherish. To spread joy. To hear my children’s laughter. To see those I love experiencing beauty. To offer hope and make suffering bearable. I know this is earth. This isn’t heaven. Some suffering is mandatory-good even. The relationship between suffering and holiness I don’t quite understand, but I know that suffering can be good. But I want it to be bearable. I want to live with it- and still be filled with hope and joy and gratitude. I want to glorify God by a joy filled life. I want laughter to abound.
I want Garrett to be easier to hold. I don’t want him to hurt Andrew’s wrist. I want Andrew to be filled with joy and energy and optimism. I want Garrett to play with his siblings. I don’t want the care of Garrett to diminish Kitty and Declan’s experience of childhood and sibling bonding. Not just with each other, but bonding with Garrett too. I want to stop needing so many nurses. I don’t want to be constantly hiring new people. I want to spend time with family and let Garrett’s needs/capabilities be such that family can care for him and hold him.
And then I wonder why. Why do I get to have all these desires? Why would my desires be answered when there are so many who suffer so much more than I? And then, I live in fear that things will get worse. Because it could be SO MUCH WORSE.
And so I am thankful. I am so thankful for the beauty and joy and blessings in my life. I feel hesitant to ask for more… but encouraged by the leper. Encouraged by many people who place themselves at Your feet.
Bless us. Save us. Help us. Help Garrett. Make life easier with Garrett. Help him sit. Help him eat. Help him stop arching.
Your miracles extend beyond that, and I don’t want to ask too little… keep him special, but heal him. Leave his soul perfectly prepared for heaven, but heal his body. Help him breath. Help him sit, and crawl, and walk! Help him interact with us.
Give us energy and optimism and joy.”
Amen.
proof that these really were late night scribbles…any grammatical error or unclear sentence structure must be forgiven:)
